Three Bites And You’re Out

soccer2

Three Bites and You’re Out

So I was watching the Food Channel the other day and a soccer match broke out.

Luis Suarez was caught chomping an opposing player in front of millions of viewers world-wide.  And if it’s a third offense does that make you a serial snacker or just another soccer player who loves protein when he’s in Brazil?

And Luis might have brought shame to homeland Uruguay but you’d never know it. Even after hearing Suarez’ apology a few days later (I guess he had to digest what he’d done), the country’s president, Jose Mujica, called out governing soccer body FIFA as a “bunch of sons of whores”; he called the 4-month suspension “fascist.”

But you cannot call Suarez a three-time loser since his squad, Uruguay, went on to defeat snake-bitten Italy, gaining momentum in the match following the attack on wounded Giorgio Chiellini.

Suarez has been described as a hungry player and there’s no denying that. I’ve watched the video ten times or so and each time Suarez runs straight down the pitch and without A-1, Tabasco, or even a pinch of guacamole sinks sharpened canines into poor ole Chiellini’s shoulder.

As the video continues, Suarez is rolling on the ground holding his upper anterior teeth. And I guess I really did want to believe that Suarez was blaming the whole incident on an unmanageable dentition, acting out independently with some sociopathic, rogue behavior resulting from a traumatic childhood experience leaving, ironically, 6-12 teeth with a chip on their shoulder.

But no, I guess when you run down an Italian and bite him on the shoulder right out in public, the least you can expect is an elbow to the chops…with ultimate revenge to come later (Okay, so I’m half-Sicilian.)

And being new to this sport (I watched an hour of USA vs. Portugal); I’m almost overcome by all its nuances.  Shucks, Cameroon is in the Top 32. And who knows when “stoppage time” is gonna stop? And what about a final score of Nil-nil…and all the floppers? In one hour, I saw more flops than Vlade Divacs inside the paint wearing roller blades!

These guys are so passionate that after being carried off the pitch in a stretcher, they come running back after a blast of two of FDA unapproved Windex. One guy for the USA actually ran more than 23-miles in three games. And rare goals trigger celebrations not unlike Republicans reacting to Supreme Court decisions that woulda had William Jennings Bryant cracking a smile.

But maybe that passion leads to some regrettable behavior. Or maybe when a guy needs a bite, a guy needs a bite…or three.

Guess I’ll cancel that trip to Uruguay; heard it’s beautiful down there. But I’m a little concerned about visiting a land where men are men and man bites dog…when friends, family, and soccer players aren’t available.