I See Dumb People

And just like the new president, I see things; I hear things. But I see dumb people.

So for me, things haven’t been quite the same since November 8 and the election of a game show host to the office of President of the United States. Personally, I would have preferred Gene Rayburn but the Match Game host passed on way back in 1999. Rayburn was way smarter than the new Prez and his contestants would have made up a far stronger cabinet than the collection of billionaires and semi-illiterates that now hold the quality, and in some instances, the existence of our lives in their tiny hands. Sorry, I kinda lost it there.

And then there’s my seeing things thing that’s been going on lately.

Between November 8 and inauguration day on January 20, I experienced my share of sweaty palms, and night terrors; once I dreamed I was living in 1817 instead of 2017. A few times, the depression got so bad that I even came close to leaving spin class early. But avoiding spin class would have been a major mistake. As I’m writing, the chronic temporal headaches have finally abated and I’m fairly sure I still have some enamel left on the chewing/grinding surfaces of my molars.

On Saturday, January 21st, I was seated in a roomful of stationary bikes and surrounded by mirrors expecting to hear the usual club music crap and maybe even, gulp, Justin Bieber when a miracle happened. We started out with the theme of From Russia with Love and followed up with You’re so Vain, Me Myself and I, Highway to Hell, and finally REM’s End of the World as we know it, and then finally a cooldown with Stevie’s Heaven Help us All. I remained depressed after cooldown but less so because I was among friends…who actually speak in complete sentences. And even though the instructor rarely pedals through the toughest parts of class (a pet peeve) I’ve been there every Saturday morning since at 7-freakin-30 AM.

And just like the new president, I see things; I hear things. But I see dumb people. And the president is lucky; he sees millions of people who aren’t really there. I see people who voted for him and even though Hillary won 70:30 around here, it seems like they’re everywhere.

Maybe I’m a little like Tom Joad in Grapes of Wrath. I’m there in the dark seeing way too much but unlike Joad instead of righting a wrong, I’m mostly just profiling old white guys…old dumb white guys.

It’s like they’re everywhere and I don’t even hear them (Thank God); I just see them. And maybe they’re not ALWAYS dumb; maybe they just don’t see racism, misogynism, religion discrimination, and stuff like conflict of interest, mental instability, and grabbing as deal breakers.

The dumb old white guys I keep seeing don’t floss; they don’t brush. When they drive, they cut you off and flip you off; they take at least 5-seconds to react to a green light and suck at making lefthand turns. They never could parallel park and they pull into compact parking spaces with SUVs sporting BS bumper stickers like “There wouldn’t be a FIRST amendment without the SECOND one.” They wear New England Patriots’ gear even though they live in LA. They always take too long with transactions at the bank, the market, or the movies. They don’t have rthymn. They wear Hawaian shirts a little too often. They always sit in the middle of a row at the movies or at sports events and they never stop going for hotdogs. They don’t like Invisalign. When they do smile, they tend to look like hockey players with “gasid” indigestion. I’ve never seen one reading a book.

I used to be Smilin’ Jack but now I’m a hater; and that’s what happens when you see…dumb people.

And I don’t often actually interact with dumb people but when I do, I guess it’s my fate to just see them, not hear them. And for that blessing I thank God, who in the words of Depeche Mode…just might have “…a sick sense of humor.”