So the last time I wished Andy Rooney was still alive and available for a virtual interview about Republicans, Clint Eastwood was lecturing an empty chair up on stage in front of a bunch enthusiastic elderly white folks (and research shows at least half of ‘em were probably missing at least 50% of their teeth.)
Andy had just passed away months earlier at age 92. With Rooney unavailable, I had to go with former VP Quayle and his astute observation that “A mind (in this case Eastwood’s) was a terrible thing to lose.”
And if anything could entice Andy Rooney back from the dead, it would be that traveling Jerry Springer roadshow to nowhere also known as the Republican “debates.”
I’ve been a Rooney fan forever; always enjoyed his youthful curiosity, unique view of things, and his total distaste for solid gold BS. Rooney wondered about stuff like why born-again Christians, former smokers, and Chihuahuas were all so stinkin’ intolerant. If only Andy was here today to enjoy the meteoric political rise of #666, the orange-haired Wharton flash and seemingly the satanic spiritual offspring of Adolph and Eva. Who wouldn’t wanna be around to cover the guy who’s Mr. Populist in the polls but hates just about everyone and everything?
As usual, Andy and I met right across the street at El Pollo Loco. And the opinions expressed here do not reflect those held by Rush Limbaugh, Fox, NRA members, or even people who can actually read and write.
“Andy! Welcome back! Even if it’s just for a Pollo Bowl that ghosts probably can’t digest anyway. All things considered, you look awesome”
Yeah Von Bulow, are you gonna ask me some questions or what?
Okay, I’ll be direct, whaddya think about Donald Trump?
Doc, if hatred, ignorance, bigotry, and total lack of class could fly; Trump would be an astronaut.”
And what about Trump’s major competition?
Young Jack, these guys are an insult to Duck Dynasty fans, hernias, and creepy clowns everywhere.
Uh, Andy, guess you didn’t know I’m going in for a hernia repair in about a month.
Sorry VB, but these guys really get me going; if I was still alive, watching their debates would probably kill me…or worse, make me stream the Kardashians. It’s just that Trump, Cruz, and the little squirt from Florida with the one punch line are openly selling Chicken Little…about 8-years too late. They’re selling fear, frustration, and bitterness to Duck-types who’re often undereducated, under-informed, and probably missing at least half of their teeth. They don’t move forward; they’d rather obstruct…sorry…like a well-placed hernia. They don’t inspire hope; they peddle fear like creepy clowns…but enough about Ted Cruz. Back in The day, Mike Wallace would’ve taken them all out back and kicked their asses.
Andy, so why is Trump succeeding?
Dr. V, aren’t you still the foremost elite athlete/scribe/DDS-type in the San Gabriel valley?
Yeah Andy, but what about my question?
Dr. V, the GOP ain’t what it used to be. Today, they’d probably run Eisenhower out on a rail. For the last three decades, they’ve been operating out of the dark dank shadows of all things negative. They’ve chosen to ignore science, the environment, and any meaningful healthcare. And racism has been the appropriate “Elephant” in the middle of the room; Trump wouldn’t even denounce the Klu Klux Klan for cryin’ out loud. They’ve preyed on human insecurities and targeted immigrants and minorities as scapegoats for just about everything. Trump is an excellent salesman and he’s closing the deal by being the best listener in the room the GOP should be embarrassed to have built.
Andy, do you think it’s sad that we’ve elected the first African-American President twice and in 2016, we’re still consumed with blatant bigotry that seems to speak to a significant part of the electorate?
JVB, it’s indeed sad. When people are looking for scapegoats, not solutions, it’s probably convenient having a Black incumbent President and a woman as the leading Democratic presidential candidate. I guess, for bitter, frustrated Republicans, it’s better than kicking or (in their case) shooting the cat.
You know Andy, even as a ghost, your hair looks better than Trump’s
Bite me molar jockey.”
